AKA VOM VOM VOM ALL OVER MYSELF.
Few things enrage me more (slash make me feel more awkward) than kissy-face couples (KFCs) on the New York subway. Maybe I'm bitter because I just broke up with someone, or maybe I'm bitter because I don't have a person in the city with whom to be kissy-face on the train; I fully acknowledge these possibilities. But really, I think I just don't like it because it's fucking awkward and inappropriate.
On my way home tonight (went out with J in the LES, which, PS, I'm totally over) I got on the E train to take it over to 53rd/Lex to get on the 6 to come up to El Barrio. Whilst on the E, a couple boards. No big deal. Couples are fucking everywhere in the city, and while I'm pretty much over all of them, I can't blame them for being in love. But this couple is particularly offensive. Evidence follows.
1. The girl is wearing short shorts, nigh to hot pants, with no tights. No leggings. Nothing. Just bare legs and ridiciulous red patent Mary Jane flats. GIRL IT'S 20 DEGREES OUTSIDE PUT SOME FUCKING CLOTHES ON CRAY CRAY.
2. The guy, presumably her boyfriend, is obviously gay.
3. They proceed to talk about stupid shit, make kissy-face at each other, and full-blown make out on the train. This is particularly awkward because they are standing in the center of the car. It's not as bad when the KFCs are sitting in the seats on the sides or something, but when they are STANDING in the center of the car, everyone is forced to watch them awkwardly make out. Ugh. I lolzed at least three times. I couldn't help it! I felt so awkward I didn't know what else to do. It's like seeing someone fall down or trip over their own shoe or something.
Another couples trend I've noticed on the subway: they're all either madly in love and can't wait 20 minutes (or however long their commute is) t0 kiss each other, or they're in a terrible fight. On the way down to the LES, there was a couple talking about what they would have for dinner. They seriously talked about this for the whole time they were on the train (from 96th street to Bleecker) because she was either trying to lose weight, or had recently discovered a food allergy, or something else really annoying--I'm not sure. She couldn't eat this, or that, or this, because it has too many carbs in it, and she can't eat carbs. Her boyfriend looked like he was on the verge of choking himself with his iPhone earbud cord. Finally he said, "What about pizza?" Her response: "No! It has carbs! I can't have any carbs!" My response, internalized: "UGHHHHH KILL ME." Then: "Mmmmm I want some pizza." So I had some when I got off the train.
Then on the 6 on the way home, I saw another couple in a fight. A pretty blonde girl and a less attractive Latino guy. She was obviously upset about something and he was just looking at her expectantly, as if he were just waiting patiently for her to build a bridge and get over it. Their stop came and he got off before her, not turning back to see if she was following. Then she got off and I watched them walk down the platform in silence.
KILL ME. I want a boyfriend in the city eventually, but I don't want to be either of these couples. If I ever become a member of a KFC or a CFC (constantly fighting couple) just go ahead and deport me. Manhattan is too amazing for all you bitches.
Until next time.
SEE: BLESSING OF THE ANIMALS 2016
11 hours ago