i shoot the lights out

I woke up this morning and I had a headache and my whole body hurt. Two nights ago I rode a mechanical bull in fishnets and sequins; I wasn't even drunk, I just wanted to do it. I stayed on for 55 seconds and I have a big bruise on the inside of my right thigh, but it was fun. Kanye West's song 'All of the Lights' was playing, my favorite one on the album, and it seemed like a sign, an appropriate way to round out New Year's Eve, begin 2011. The thing about that song is that Alicia Keys and Elton John both sing on it, but their parts are tiny and they're not credited. I didn't know until later. The thing about riding a mechanical bull is that no matter how hard you squeeze your thighs together, you're going to fall off. It's inevitable.

Patti Smith once said about New Year's Day, so as today, the rest of the year. Meaning whatever you do on that day, you will do for the rest of the year. I don't know if it's true though, and it makes me anxious. I slept until 1:30 on New Year's Day and then showered and put on a full face of makeup and sat around watching a movie and just nothing particularly interesting happened. Then later before dinner we were all talking about resolutions and sort of went around in a circle stating them as fact. All I could say is I want to make more money in 2011. Which is true, but really what I want for 2011 is to do more than I talk, and to start surrounding myself with doers, weeding out the talkers. I felt bad all day yesterday because I can tell 2011 is going to be a year of difficult decisions.

When 2010 started, I had no confidence that it would be an amazing year. I didn't think it would be bad, it's more like I didn't think about it, I just moved forward and did stuff and then amazing things started happening. I did a lot in 2010, produced a lot of work, and I'm happy about that, and I feel thankful. But in its aftermath I feel a pressure that I didn't expect to feel. I'm trying to force myself to be positive going into 2011, but in a way it feels false. My dreams are bigger than ever, so the pressure follows suit. Last night we went dancing and it was so crowded and hot and a large man stepped on my little toe and it hurt really bad and I limped home alone and thought, what if I never make myself stand out.

I don't think this year is going to be bad, but I can feel that it's going to be hard. I believe in my purpose and I will do anything to achieve it, and when that's your starting point, you know it's going to be hard, people are going to get hurt. I'm not a good diplomat. Someone once told me I seem to care about no one but myself, but I think that's just a burden ambitious women carry a lot of the time. Is wanting to achieve a dream fundamentally selfish, and is being selfish even a bad thing, or is it a mindwash? My dreams are my dreams, but it's not about me crossing a finish line. There is no finish line, it's a basic truth about art, it just keeps on going.

Change is coming, I feel it. All I have is my faith, and the knowledge that I can use lessons learned thus far to deal with things yet to come. And a belief in myself and my purpose. I don't really have resolutions for 2011, because resolving takes time and we're only two days in. My only thought so far is to be brave, but careful and smart, with myself and with others. Things have to change, not because 2010 was bad, but because it was so good. And because things always have to change. That's a given, the challenge is to avoid becoming a monster.