Victoria's real secret is that she longs for the days when she used to twerk it

So I didn't see the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show last night, and as such my post about it is a tad bit late. I apologize, but it's totally forgivable because instead of sitting at home watching my (non-existent) cable TV, I was in the East Village at a vinyl release party for my friend's record label. Better, right?

Well, scrolling through my blog roll this evening, I discovered a clip from last night's show. Sigh. Sigh. And uh triple sigh.

Um, WTF Victoria? I used to live and die for this show every year. I can remember in 2005, when I lived in those shitty ass apartments near campus, C and I made a night of watching it. Meaning we drank, ate chocolate, watched the show, and paraded around my apartment whilst listening to bass-heavy rap music, strutting, and pretending we were walking on glitter. It. Was. The. Shit.


The reason it was so amazing? Two words: Tyra and Banks. Let's do a side by side, shall we? First, the clip I saw from last night's show.


Next, a clip of Tyra walking* the show in 2005, her final walk before retiring from the runway. If you don't feel like watching the whole thing, just fast forward to 1:05.


Now, in the first clip we witness: Heidi Klum making terrible jokes about how she was so fat after her pregnancy and had to lose so much weight (and I know she did not just say "y'all"), Marisa Miller talking about how badly she wants a cupcake (so badly she would like one lobbed at her head), and a skinny white girl trying to dance in what appear to be Styrofoam platform wedge sandals on stage (um, hellllllllll to the no). In the second clip, we observe: Tyra Banks working the runway like it's her goddamn 9 to 5, wind-blown slow-mo hair, and that Snoop Dogg song in which he doesn't at all hide the fact that he's rapping about smoking his best weed ('cuz he got it goin' on).

What can we take away from this?
Victoria's Secret Fashion Show circa 2005: A bajillion points
Victoria's Secret Fashion Show circa 2009: Zero points

*Walking is a very loose term here; other appropriate terms include twerking, working, shredding, dominating, and fucking up

Freezing with a chance of ice(e)

The highlight of my trip to Chicago last week for Wanksgiving may have been our trip to the movies, which included a gluttonous purchase of the number one combo - a large beverage and large popcorn with bottomless refills. On the heels of this news story that came out last week, ordering said combo - called "co-stars" or something equally if not more cheesy - seemed like an amazing idea; and when we spotted the Icee machine behind the concession stand, we knew we were done for.

When the concession worker slid the Icee across the counter to us, C and I literally burst into laughter at the sheer cartoonishness of its size. The popcorn was appropriately sized for a large, but the Icee, which had to have been at least 32 oz., was completely absurd. So of course we had to document it.






































I mean honestly. Both the popcorn and the Icee are taller than my head. Fortunately, the name of theater chain at which we partook of The Blind Side (blind side note: the film was OK, not great, but 'twas a fun reminder of Ole Miss and hot Southern men) will forever remain a mystery, as we made sure to pose super covertly to protect it from years of embarrassment.

Welcome to the land of Teeny

This is my best friend Christine.





















We met freshman year of college, when we lived next door to each other in the dorms. It was nothing less than fate that brought us together, as we quickly discovered that we are soul mates, in the most platonic sense of the word. We bonded over a shared love of Ludacris, Juvenile, Ginuwine and making fun of people we deemed lesser than ourselves. She lives in Chi, and I live in NYC obvs, but our friendship marches on. To the beat of a very, very different drum.

Anyway, the point of all this is that Teeny (as she is known amongst our inner circles) now has her very own blog in which she documents her life in the form of witty haikus. I am very excited about this, because she is truly one of the funniest and definitely the most unique person I know. Here's a snippet:

accessory (to murder?)

ugly belt buckle
want to melt it down, make a
bullet to shoot you

I told you. Fucking hilarious. Check it out: Land of Teeny. She is also on Twitter. Get on it.