A lesson in nobility, 2k9

Straight up: I don't have very many straight male friends, and I never really have. Throughout my life, I've probably had three *really good straight guy friends, and of those three, I've secretly had a crush on like two of them. Now, concerning the psychology behind this life pattern of mine, I don't really care/want to take the time to dissect what it says about my relationships with men. At least not on this blog, which includes posts about candlies, chairs and Gmail fails. (My life is so hard.)

Suffice it to say that, usually, I end up with crushes on the straight men I know, or vise versa. With the hope of objectively learning the inner workings of the straight male brain, I recently struck up an online friendship with a straight guy. We talk about dating, sex and relationships, with the strict goal of enlightening one another. Prior to this relationship, we only knew of each other through other people, and had never spoken. What follows is an actual conversation we had, enhanced with italicized commentary/inner monologue from yours truly.








Boy: Liked the falafel dating post
Me: hahaha
Thanks?
Boy: yeah it was pretty funny/heinous of that dude to act like that
Boy: This is about to get real ironical.
Me: oh it was hilarious
Boy: I paid $150 for a first date for a girl I hadn't even slept with
Boy: Aren't I a saint?
Boy: I miss dating
Boy: Siiiigh. Aren't I sweet?
Me: Awww, that's sweet.
Me: Go on a date!
Boy: Too busy though
Me: ah
Boy: Gotta focus on my shit
Me: I like dating, it's fun
Because even if it's a bad date and the guy's an idiot, I can blog about it and make it into something funny
So it's just material for me. hahaha
Me: I totally consider this fair warning.
Boy: I wish I had that outlook on dating
I just feel like its a waste of time unless I'm super interested
Boy: In other news, I'm bipolar.
Boy: I guess I don't want to pay for sex
Boy: Because it's illegal.
Boy: I could probably get that without having to buy more than a few drinks
I know that sounds cynical, but I just can't really wrap my head around it anymore
Me: wow
Me: SJKERHKWJH5KJK!!!03393939WKKKK?????
Boy: I feel like I have an extreme view of either wanting to force a connection or simply lie back and wait on it to happen. I don't want to explore connections and hope one works out
Boy: I'm lazy.
Boy: I can make friends pretty easily and I have too many friends as it is
Boy: Sigh. I don't want to work to fit new people into my busy sausage fest schedule, you know what I mean?
Boy: Sorry that sounded super arrogant. I mean more that I hate disappointing people and I feel like I'm constantly doing that by trying to meet all the demands in my life
Boy: MY LIFE IS SO HARD JUST LIKE HOLDEN CAULFIELD'S.
Me: It didn't sound arrogant, but it sounded really crude
I mean not the part about friends, the part about paying for sex
Me: Let me be frank.
Me: As if a girl going on a date with a guy and letting him pay is akin to prostitution
Boy: Not like that. I just mean that on my end (not the girl's, I'm talking about my motivation) if I'm not seeing much could come of any relationship I could probably see myself sleeping with her but obviously that would be somewhat crude and I don't want to be that person. Thus, I don't date much.
Boy: Sort of like Pavlov's Dogs, you know? I hear "date" and I get an uncontrollable erection... shit. Fuck.
Boy: B/c in a sense I would be paying for dinner in the hopes that she would sleep with me
Boy: FUCK.
Boy: But not be my friend or girlfriend or lover
Boy: OK, whew. It's gone now.
Boy: I think of it as an absurdist's nobility
Me: Let me be frank.
Me: I have no idea what any of that means
Boy: Shit. Unless I can really see all the trouble of dating being worth it (some form of relationship) then I go for it. If I did go on dates with women I was not that into (no form of relationship desired) then I would only be hoping to sleep with them. Thus I would feel like I was paying for sex.
Boy: Again, like SO totally illegal, right? Except for that rando place in Nevada or something?
Me: So dating is dead?
Like going on a date with someone you don't really know, just to get to know them and pursue any potential connection, is totally pointless?
Instead we have replaced it with getting drunk at a bar and going home and sleeping together
Like going on a date is no longer step one
It's only something you do if you *already feel a connection of some sort
Otherwise, you're only interested in fucking
Is that right?
Me: Pig.
Boy: That makes me sound like a huge pig. But I'm just saying, in my own personal world, I can get to know people without the social structure of a "date" (defined: special outing of two attracted parties). In the context of a date I assume something more romantic. If I want to get to know someone I talk to them wherever we are: supermarket, bookstore, outside of class.
Boy: So, unless you are a girl standing in my immediate vicinity... you know, shmeh.
Me: Well that's how you do things, and that is your choice, and I'm sure you will find a girl who is the same way and doesn't expect to be dated
Me: They're all in Williamsburg right now. Drunk.
Boy: I think going on a date is step 2. If that's what you're asking
sorry if that all sounded like bullshit
Me: I mean I guess it's just a difference of opinion
I'm not sure old-fashioned or anything like that
Me: I'm so upset right now I don't even know how to speak English.
Me: But I have to be honest and say that I hope there are still guys out there who think differently about it than what you just outlined
Because it's pretty depressing for me to think that a guy only wants to take me out on a date if he knows me already or he's hoping to get laid
Boy has signed off.
Me: Typical.

Unsolved Mysteries: M116 edition

Every morning, I take the M116 bus across town to the subway station nearest my apartment so I can head downtown for work. Normally, this is not particularly exciting. I board the bus, check tweets from the night, read my New York Times daily e-mail (eh... sometimes), smile at cute little baby children, and generally mind my own business. Today, I was running late. Today, I boarded the 8:28 bus instead of the 8:14 bus. Today, I saw a cute boy wearing a National Champions ring. Yeah, as in like football.

I was sitting in one of the side-facing seats and he was standing right in front of me. He was very nicely dressed - white pinstripe button-up, black necktie, black pinstripe dress pants, black dress shoes. But LBO, I noticed the ring before I noticed anything else. Those things are huge, conspicuous, and really hard to miss, especially when they're right in your face. (WOW THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.) It looked like this.




















Except the center stone was green, not blue. I really, really, REALLY wanted to talk to this boy and ask him where he went to school and what year he won the championship. My first intuitive SEC guess was that he played for Florida, since it seems like they've won the National Championships for the past like 09349023 years. But I would guess that if he were in fact a Florida Gator, he would have a blue ring, not a green one, no? And this one was decidedly green. Unless the light was just hitting it in a weird way or something. Meh, I could be wrong.

Help me, readers! Let's crack this case. I'm not trying to figure out who he is like in a creepy stalker way, I just want to know what team he played for. That way next time I'm late for work - which I'm starting to suspect might, ahem, happen more often - I can strike up a conversation with a zinger such as, "You played for the (insert SEC team here) (insert mascot here), huh? (Insert catchy fight slogan here)." Then I'll raise my eyebrow seductively and he'll fall madly in love with me, because I'm beautiful and smart and charming and love football. We'll have a torrid* love affair centered on our mutual use of public transportation: buses, trains, homeless/crazy people, oh my.

Worst case scenario: it's actually a high school ring. Unlikely, but possible. Let's just move forward assuming it's not, OK? OK. Break.


*When I first wrote this, I used the word "sordid," because I always get these fucking words confused! Either applies, really.

I'ma let you finish, Mr. President

Ladies and gentleman, a moment of pop culture genius.



My favorite part is toward the end when Obama says "that's not true." Um, I'm sorry, Mr. President? Are you saying Single Ladies wasn't one of the best videos of all time? A year ago I was in my bedroom in Birmingham obsessively learning the dance, and I still get excited when it comes on in the club. If that's not staying power, I don't know what is, Mr. President. Maybe if you weren't so busy concerning yourself with public safety, international relations and health care (schmealth care), you would re-ca-nize what 'Ye and the rest of the world already acknowledge as base fact: If you could materialize Beyoncé's video into a solid food item and have it for breakfast every morning, you would live a better, more productive life. Don't try to deny it.

Gagagasm

Just about the only thing Lady GaGa could have done to take my obsession from ridiculous to all-out batshit crazy was give a performance that was an homage to my all-time favorite musical score, The Phantom of the Opera. Well, bitch. Congratulations.

Lady Gaga - New Music - More Music Videos

Consider Project Lady GaGa Tattoo an official GoGo.

Where dreams are made of

I'm obsessed with this city.























Also, Jay-Z's new album The Blueprint 3 dropped last week, and I'm obsessed with this song. It's all about New York. I know, shocking.

Hidden talents: A photo essay

5 things you can learn from moddlez

Living in New York and working in media, my friends and I sometimes get invited to ridiculously New York events. You know, those stupid parties Carrie and the girls often attended: fashion shows, book signings, magazine launches. And, of course, the occasional random Fashion Week preview party slash fake photo shoot slash moddle watch.

Earlier this week I attended the Fashion Week preview event for Keith Lissner, an up-and-coming designer who typically focuses on simply creating gorgeous dresses. I discovered his work this summer and I immediately fell in love with it; browsing his web site, I wanted one of each dress in every color. So when I received an invite to the preview for his Spring/Summer 2010 demi couture line, I jumped at the chance to attend, natch.

We arrived and it was basically a fake photo shoot; a bunch of moddlez standing around on set, posing in dresses, while the rest of us stood around and stared at them, (not so) quietly judging. I found his spring/summer line to be far less inspired than his fall/winter line, but I can't even say that with a straight face, so it's not like it matters. But the experience did teach me a few things I want to share with everyone. Important life lessons, brought to you by moddlez.

1. Be tall. Be very, very tall. What, like everyone's not 6'0"??






















2. Master the concave moddle pose in a number of different positions. First, the basic concave, shown here by moddle in tutu.






















3. Next, concave with hands on ass. Mastered beautifully here by moddle in middle.

















4. Staring will take you far. Also known as "smile with your eyes."






















5. Don't eat before the show. I mean, for like weeks. In fact, just stop eating. I mean, you *can survive on bubble tea. True story.






















As a side note, that gray dress was my favorite one. Also, Miss J from America's Next Top Model was there! I can confirm that he is a real human being, contrary to evidence suggesting otherwise.