38 days

That's how long I've officially been unemployed in New York. I moved up Dec. 30, and it's now Feb. 6. 1 + 31 + 6 = 38. Sure, I have an internship, but it's unpaid, so as far as the country's unemployment rate is concerned, I continue to give freely of myself. You're welcome.

I wonder if I'm doing something wrong, or if I should be doing something differently. I feel like I've applied to pretty much every media-related job I've seen on Mediabistro, Ed2010, and Craigslist--even those that were more administrative and not editorial. I've been on several interviews, and gotten lots of "no"s. Maybe I should be pitching more for freelance work. I don't know. I'm starting to feel the desperation of wanting to have something to celebrate about and continuing to have nothing.

I had a couple interviews Wednesday. One at a national weekly magazine to be an editorial intern for their Web site (it pays, $10/hr!). I think it went really well; everyone was really nice and even people I didn't interview with were nice to me and smiled in the halls. It sounds stupid but getting a good vibe from a place is something I value, because in New York it seems difficult to find a place to work where people actually seem to be happy to work there. I interviewed with three of the staffers there, one of whom told me they hadn't had any other applicants with as much CMS experience as I have. That's good. I just really, really want it. It seemed like a good atmosphere, I would get a ton of production experience, and would also get to do editorial stuff. Positive thoughts!

The other interview was my second one at the gym. It was kind of bizarre and I don't really feel like talking about it in detail, except to say that halfway through the interview, he tried to sell me on a higher-ranking, full-time position. I was like, well, I'm trying to pursue a career in magazines, and I need something to do in the meantime and part-time after I get a day job. It was highly awkward. I was supposed to hear back from them today, but nothing yet. I'll call Monday if I don't hear back this weekend.

I know I need to think positively, and I appreciate any positive thought y'all are willing to give me, but it's a lot harder for me to think positively than it is for everyone else to. This is my life, I'm living it, and only I really know how this feels. I just want so badly to have something to celebrate, to have a reason to get out of bed every morning, to feel fulfilled by what I'm doing here. To feel like moving to New York was for a reason--and not just because it's something I've wanted forever.

For now though, I have to run. I'm filling my brain with projects, and my current project is finding a chair for the corner of my room. So I have a couple to go look at tonight. I'll keep you updated.

Until next time.

One Month

It's Nov. 30, 2008. One month from today, at 12:15 CST/1:15 EST, I will be boarding a plane heading for La Guardia and I will not be returning. At least not for a while. Here's my flight path:

Yep, I'm flying through two airports in the same state. I can has cheep tktz?

I'm sure most of you came to this blog either from Facebook or from my other beloved (pronounced bee-luv-id), Hautey Toddy. Fear not, HT readers, I will keep up that blog as well. But I should let you all know, in the name of keeping it real, that this blog is not HT. It's just me. It's Meghan. I will be expressing myself in an unfiltered way. This might, and probably will, include the use of foul language. It will also, you'll be glad to know, include the use of lolspeek. I think using these two approaches will keep most of you appeased. Or uhpeezed.

When I started writing HT, the first thing I did was explain why I wanted to write it. You might be wondering why anyone should give a shit about my journey from B'ham to NYC; my response is that I don't expect that anyone really does. But maybe there is someone out there who grew up in the South and wants to know what it's like not only to move up North, but to move to one of the most populated cities in the world. How do you even go about such a move? What about all the stuff you have to take with you? How do you find a place to live? A job? What if you say "y'all" and people look at you funny? Etc etc.

So far I only have half-answers to such questions, because I'm still in Birmingham. My plan thus far consists of packing two suitcases with as much of my shit as possible, getting on a plane, and staying with my friend Z until I find a place of my own. Sure, I've already started preparations. I've been doing informational interviews with as many people as possible within the company I work for, as well as with mag/web employees in New York. I set up an HR interview with a major magazine company for early January. I've been looking for people needing roommates/available apartments on Ed2010 and Craigslist. I feel like I'm pretty much doing everything I can to make myself prepared for the most significant transition in my life. Going away to college was nothin, y'all. I'm leaving and I don't know when I'm coming back. WTF.

As a result, my brain has been kind of a clusterfuck since I bought my ticket. Ever since I moved home to start my internship, I feel like I've lost some of my identity. My best friend C, who I've been best friends with since freshman year of college, lives in Chicago and I haven't seen her since June. Z lives in NYC, obvs, and I haven't seen him since June either, except for a brief skankfest in Jackson in September. I've been in a long-distance relationship with A in D.C. since July, and I think I have felt the strain of a lost identity most with him. How can you really be with someone when you feel like you don't know who you are anymore? You can't, that's how.

Add in the strain of entering into an industry that is, by some accounts at least, crumbling amongst the ruins of the current economic crisis, and you have a recipe for depression and confusion. And that's what I've been feeling for the past month or so. The only thing I know I want is to be reunited with my best friends and to be in NYC. So this blog will be a documentation of my journey - literally and emotionally - from the leisurely life I've known in the South to the fast-paced life I want in New York. In case you're reading this as a Southerner dreaming of a different life in a big Northern city, but feeling apprehensive: I'm there right now. I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing, but I'm doing it anyway. Maybe that's just how life is. Maybe if you're not scared, you're living too comfortably.

Who the fuck knows. I'm 22 years old, and I don't claim to know anything. I'm just doing what I feel in my heart is the right thing to do. I fell hard in love with New York over four years ago, so why would I choose to live anywhere else?

Thanks for checking out BtoA. I want you all with me on my journey.
I am, now and always,
Majorly yours.