Tuesday, April 6, 2010

I'm not a girl, not yet?

So while I've been not blogging, I've been working on a number of other artistic projects and/or enrichment activities. A couple of weekends ago Zac, Jenny and I spent basically the entire weekend filming things and taking/posing/directing a couple photo shoots. Jenny asked me (and a few other stupidly attractive people) to rub dark eye makeup and Vaseline on my face and act brooding and sexy and dark. Um, yes? Here are my results, and you can see all the rest on Jenny's blog.

When I first saw the shots, I thought, "Boo. I wanted to look edgier. Darker. Harder. Rougher." I thought I looked too soft for what Jenny was trying to accomplish; but the more I studied them and the more I thought about it, the more I loved them. They just look like me. I'm sort of going through a phase right now where I want to reject everything I used to be - soft, pretty, girly, sweet - in favor of some sort of badass rebel vibe that reflects all the hard shit I've been through in the past year. The photos show - and this is why Jenny is a brilliant photographer - that no matter how hard I try, no matter how much dark makeup I put on or how much grease I put in my hair, I will always be that sweet little Southern girl who just believes in the best in people and came to the city to do nothing but pursue her dream.

Looking at these photos, for the first time in my life I thought to myself that I looked like a woman. That I am a woman. Not a girl, a woman. I've officially accomplished some of my dreams and given birth to new ones. I've fallen in love and had my heart shattered. I've explored my own sexuality at new levels. I've made some stupid mistakes. I've learned a lot and forgotten a lot. I've loved my friends with all my heart. I've supported and been supported by my family. I'm still young and I'm by no means finished with any of these things, but I see the beginnings of them all when I look at Jen's photos. Oh, and I think I sort of look like a boy in that last shot, which I totally love.

And apparently, no matter how much punk rock I listen to, I will continue to quote Britney Spears songs and title my blog posts after them. Deal with it.


  1. wow, the wonders of Vaseline! love the last one too!. Very dramatic.....and mysterious...

  2. beautiful beautiful beautiful! you DO look edgy.

  3. Congratulations on feeling like a woman. I still feel like a lost little girl. I love these pics, by the way, and I think they are anything BUT soft, pretty, girly and sweet. (Modeling for friends is AWESOME!)

  4. Beautiful pics...the dark eye make up looks fantastic!

  5. Holy fuck.

    The first one is killer.

  6. I think you pulled off the edgy look like a star!

    You look amazing in these pictures. If you had done anything to try and look more edgy, you might have looked like you were trying too hard. Great work by you and your friend!

    I can still see some of the sweet femininity in these pics that you say you are rejecting. To me this is a good thing. It creates a more complex personality in the images.

    Being girly doesn't mean you can't be badass too!

  7. i love that you are being exactly who you want to be. i can feel you embracing that freedom.