Tuesday, April 13, 2010

something inside me won't let me stop

My body was not born to be an artist’s
Artists never sleep
They drink a lot
They do drugs
They buy supplies and other works to inspire them
Before they buy food
And somehow they’re fine
Because they were born to expend energy making work
When I was an infant
(Now, I don’t remember this)
But when I was an infant
I rolled out of bed or something and bumped my knee
It swelled up to the size of a baseball
My parents took me in
The doctors said I had arthritis
It went away, but when I was a little older
I started scratching myself in my sleep
I had to wear latex gloves to bed
To keep from bleeding all over my sheets
So when that sort of improved
I curled up in my bed one day
Felt a sharp pain
Ended up in the hospital for two weeks with peritonitis
From a pissy appendix that decided to explode
My body was not born to be an artist’s
Now when I don’t sleep
I feel weak
When I drink
I feel all dried up
When I do drugs
I freak out
When I don’t eat
I want to throw up
Everyone else is fine
But I feel like I’m barely makin’ it through
One day, will it be me?
Lying on the couch
One arm raised
“Did art get us, Patti?”
‘Cuz my body wasn't born to be an artist’s
But something inside me won’t let me stop
So it’s another late night
Or maybe it's something outside
Fuck it


  1. U nailed it again!...I've got a few artist friends they are definitely night owls...All eclectic down to their clothes, music, furnishings.... love it, I am constantly learning from them.

  2. i love this. i feel like this all the time. the struggle between being an artist and being myself and only feeling settled when they overlap comfortably.

  3. I used to be an artist...well I painted stuff and people bought them.

    I was about to run off and just sketch, paint, and create. All over the place. I was just going to live anywhere and move on to wherever, whenever the chance arose.

    But then my mum got sick and then my sister and I became a sort of step parent. So I just stayed where I was and got a "real" job. (I since gave that up and started designing stuff)

    I was one of the more reckless artist types, I guess. But I knew a lot of dedicated and stupidly talented artists that lead a nice clean life too. Always asleep and awake at respectable times. Always healthily fed. They ended up travelling all over the world and are still living their amazing artists life/lives.

    Just because you aren't the reckless, starving artist type doesn't mean anything. Being an artist is about being yourself and sharing it!

  4. I've been reading your blog for a while, and I've always liked it, and I just wanted to say that this is really amazing, and mostly how I feel. Can't we just be artists who nap in the sun and eat our fill and drink lemonade and exercise and smile and laugh and don't smoke cigarettes? I have a distinct feeling that that's up to New York, and that the answer is probably no. I'm alright with that for now.