Tuesday, December 7, 2010

i have seen the moment of my greatness flicker

Have you ever loved someone so much, whatever love might be, that you just sit in their lap and cry? You look at that person, and think about all the times you ever felt so alone, so ceaselessly alone, like the universe. You take that person's face in your hands and you try to say something that will touch your universe to the other person's. You say, I love you. You say, oh my god. You say, before I knew you, I waited. You say, never leave and I won't either. A tear might fall from the other person's eye, or maybe the person laughs, and that's when you lose it. A hundred nights of asking God for a sign seem like another life altogether. Once the sign comes it's easy to forget about the miles of stretched out concrete that led up to it. And equally easy to forget that whoever is in charge of making the signs does so without err, but doesn't account for the flecks in your eyes.

You take the person's face in your hands and a tear falls or a laugh bubbles up, and that's when you cry. You cry for every person you've ever loved, your mom and your dad. All the people you used to love but don't anymore. You want to actually curl up into a ball so small it's visible only to that person, then you want to press into their stomach and disintegrate into their skin. Being in love is wanting to disappear.

And all the other times, when you've been alone so long you nearly forget what it's like to love someone, you can allow yourself to remember. You can lie in your bed with a book and a pen and you can write in cursive letters, Sometimes I want to fall asleep with the light on. And then you'll wake up at 4 a.m. and the lights will be on and you'll crawl blind to switch them off, and then just before you drift off again, there it is, that feeling you haven't felt in this life. 

You pull the blanket up around your nose, take your face in your hands, and cry. You pray for a sign.


  1. This is a post worth reading, not because it's just a good read, but because it means something more than just the words themselves.

    And yes, I have been through this. And I have loved someone, maybe more than this much. And I know exactly what you want to convey.

  2. Those who say "better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" have never had that 4am experience.

    And they don't deserve it, either.

  3. This is so purely beautiful. I feel like I'm staining it by leaving a comment, but I at least had to tell you how moving you are.

  4. Awww. Thanks everyone.

    @John: Thanks so much. I'm glad you caught what I was throwin :)

    @Julene: I'm not sure I agree. I think the statement is true, that it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved. I think the memories of love are what partially keep us going when we don't have it. The loss is one of the most painful parts of human experience, but it also has produced some of the best parts of it: namely, plenty of art.

    @laurenne: I totally know what you mean about leaving comments on poetry, etc. It seems like it doesn't do a work justice. But nonetheless I really appreciate your words. Thank you.