Sunday, July 12, 2009

Hell is other people

Sometimes when I come back to my blog after being away for a while, I can't believe how long it's been. June 23?? REALLY? Today is July 12. That's, like, almost a month. It's been almost a month since MJ died. Can't believe it. If any of you out there have aspirations to live in New York, one of the first things you will learn is that time means nothing you thought it meant. A week is a blink of an eye, and a month feels like a week. I wonder if it's like that for "adults" everywhere, or if it really is a New York thing. Either way, it's bizarre.

Sartre wrote in his play No Exit that "hell is other people." I've read it--depressing--basically this guy dies and finds himself in a room with no exit, trapped with like three or four other people for all eternity. Of course gradually they start to hate each other and go insane. What would be worse, do you think? All eternity in a room by yourself, or all eternity in a room with a few other people you hate?

I'm single again. It was more of a mutual thing this time. We each had our own reasons I guess. It's amazing how after being with someone a year, you still feel like you don't know them at all. Is that normal? Is that par for the course in serious relationships? Like, it's the big secret no one tells you, oh yeah, a year is nothing, you still have a lot to learn about the other person. I don't know, but I really hope not. I don't want to feel like I know someone, only to learn that I don't really, over and over again over the course of my life. Why can't people just fucking be honest about who they are from the beginning?

I'm being very vague on purpose, but suffice it to say that I was in DC last weekend and found out something that made me feel like, oh here we go again, I think I trust someone and then he shits all over it. Well, I tried for a year. I mean, I think that's pretty good right? Off and on, but I tried for a year to put my full trust in one other person. And it didn't work out. Time to move on.

I'm gonna try not to let myself get ruined. I want to stay in tact, be the Meghan I used to know and love, so that one day I can wake up and suddenly be ready to date again, and meet someone equally awesome and we can truly love and trust each other. But as of right now, I'm really over it. I spent a year trying to make something work with someone, and when I think back on it now I see one struggle after another. That really sucks, because we had some good times, but right now I just want to be alone. At least when I'm alone there are no expectations, no games, no failed attempts at communication. It's just me and my apartment and the city and my friends and all of y'all and my family, way down South.

And for now, that's exactly what I want.

Majorly yours.

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