Employed at last

The title of this blog speaks for itself. Yes, I am now employed. I got offered a full-time position as a research editor at a magazine company in New York today. Two months of interning there, and I guess I proved myself. Before that, two months of interning at a different magazine's web site. Before that, six months of interning at a major magazine in the South. Prior to that, two months of interning at a small magazine in the South. And before that, two months of interning at another major national magazine in the South. What is that? Like 14 months? Over a year of being an intern. Plus however many hours I put in at The Daily Mississippian. Good lawd. I think it's safe to say I earned it.

New York. Real life. Being a grownup. Money. Benefits. Being an independent woman for the first time in my life. I mean, LBO; I have always been a feminist and lived a pretend-independent life for years. And as far as my mindset goes, I have always been independent, but to be completely financially independent as a 23-year-old female in New York - that's what I've worked toward for the past, I dunno, 19 years. Yeah, I started doing math workbooks for fun when I was like 4, so suck it.

Fuck yes. In other life news, I got back together with A. I know, whatever. I realized I can't live without him, and once you realize that about someone, you may as well stop fighting it, because it's not gonna change anytime soon. Better to embrace it with open arms. Or, as I did, get on a bus to DC late on a Saturday night after happy hour and profess your love. Better to do these sorts of things in person.

I start my new job Monday. Until then, I am, as always,

Majorly yours.

Crossroads

I think I'm at a crossroads in my life. Personally and professionally, I feel like I have some choices to make that will change the path of my life. It's weird to be an adult and to know that it's really up to you. Until now, I feel like my life has been made up of mostly easy decisions and decisions that were natural: going to IB, where to go to college, what major to pursue, etc. No one prepared me for real grown-up life, where making decisions is like being forced to light a sparkler in a pitch-black room: you hope you don't burn someone else or yourself, but you have no other option but to light it somewhere and hope for the best.

True, we have our brains and emotions and instincts to guide us, but what the hell do I know about that stuff, considering that I am pretty much questioning everything I thought I once knew about myself. Except for one thing: my flippant reaction to serious life situations. True to form, at the height of my discontent while thinking about my life today, this song popped into my head out of nowhere. It was a pleasant reminder that no matter what I choose or where my life leads me, I will always be Meghan, and I will always love bad hip-hop and rap and pop music, and I will always try to make people (including myself) happy when they feel down, and as long as we live in a world with music that makes us laugh at ourselves, it can't be all that bad.



Until next time.

Unclasped

Around 8:30 this morning I woke up because I had to pee, and I heard this strange jingling noise. I thought it was coming from outside my open window, but when I got out of bed I looked down and one of my bracelets had come unclasped in my sleep; the jingling noise had been me rolling around on it and the pieces clinging together.

I love bracelets, and I have two that I wear all the time on my left arm. I never take them off. They were gifts from my mom and I love them, so I never see a need to remove them. Admittedly though, another part of the reason I never take them off - especially the bracelet I found in my bed this morning - is that it's nigh impossible for me to put them on my wrist by myself; I always need someone's assistance.

The fact that this bracelet came off in my sleep is bizarre enough. That has never happened before, and when I saw it I was quite disheartened because I knew I wouldn't be able to get it back on anytime soon. I can't help but feel the universe laughing at me. Ha! You broke up with your amazing boyfriend and now you're alone and your bracelet that never comes unlatched came off in your sleep and now you're all alone and don't you wish he were here to help you put it back on!

I sat on my bed for a minute trying to clasp it back myself, but then decided this Sunday is too lovely to be spent on pitiful attempts at solo reclasping. So I took the bracelet and put it in my jewelry box. Take that, universe.

Until next time.

Sabrina

I think because I didn't grow up in a church-going household, my personal thoughts and beliefs on spirituality have mainly been guided by my own internal compass. I've just always felt certain things to be true, and certain things to be bullshit. I love philosophy and thinking about the big questions in life, and I've always leaned toward more Eastern ("alternative") belief systems like Buddhism and Taoism. So it seems to follow suit that today, for the first time, a psychic read my palm and totally blew my mind.

Today was one of those days that I woke up and had nothing planned. I was going to sleep in, get up, possibly shower, do some much-needed grocery shopping, and spend the rest of the day relaxing and catching up on last week's TV. Instead, I got up, Z called me, and I joined him and J for breakfast on the UWS, followed by several street fairs, record store hopping and vintage shopping. It was at the first street fair that I encountered Sabrina and her $5 insight into the inner workings of my mind.

I've wanted to go to a psychic for a long time, not because I hold some sort of firm belief in their abilities, but just because I wanted the experience. I try to refrain from holding opinions about things until I encounter them firsthand, and this was one of those things I didn't want to write off or believe in without seeing for myself. So I said what the hell and sat down in her tent. Z hovered but didn't listen. Apparently a palm reading is a really personal thing. I didn't know that but it seems to be that way.

First she asked me my name and introduced herself. She had pretty brown eyes and I found myself looking into them without being freaked out by it. She was welcoming and comforting and I felt like I immediately trusted her. She took my right hand and began looking at my lines. She said I had a strong life line and would not die of sickness or injury, but live to be old and die of old age. Good news. She said I would get married in my late 20s or early 30s. She said I was outwardly a happy person, and very supportive of my friends, but that there was a sadness in my heart, and that I was good at giving advice but not good at taking it. At this point, I was like, OK Sabrina, pretty accurate but anyone would probably say those things are true about themselves. But then she started knowing things that she shouldn't know, specifically about my relationship with A, that freaked me out.

At first she said that I was in a relationship, that it had been difficult, but that we were working out our differences. And I was like, no, we just broke up actually. And she said, oh, but I can tell you've had problems before, you've broken up with this person before but you've always gotten back together. Um, yes. Then out of nowhere she said, "But you can reconcile the fact that he's far away. That's not the problem." And I was like, um, what?? She didn't ask me if he was in another city, she just stated it like a fact she had read in a book. She then went on to say that she knows I love him and that he loves me, and that he never mistreated me, but there was some other source of negativity keeping us apart. She said it could be someone in my life or his life who was envious and aiming to keep us apart, but she wasn't sure. She said she could sense the negativity in me, could read it in my face. Needless to say, I walked away from her confused, anxious and (again) wondering if I am making the right decision about A or just leaving because it's the easy thing to do.

Other stuff she knew: that I'm a writer, that I recently moved to New York, that I've been feeling apprehensive about moving here (but, she reassured me, it was the right decision and this is where I belong). She said she saw paperwork/contracts in my near future, that my financial situation would soon be improving and that I would be traveling a lot this year, including a place with palm trees and blue water later this year. Sounds good to me.

I don't know. I walked away wanting to know more, to sit down and talk to her and see what else she knew about me. I was convinced by the end of my 5-6 minute session that she, at the very least, had a bizarre skill for reading people. I don't know that it's an actual "psychic" power, but I do believe that some people are more in tune with the intrinsic nature of things, and are just good at reading people. Actually I think I'm one of those people, just probably not to the extent Sabrina is.

I know my blog has been really heavy recently and that it's probably getting kind of old, so I have some lighter, more exciting news: I bought an amazing swimsuit today at a vintage store in SoHo. I. love. it. I plan on wearing it to the park when I go to lounge in the sun, and also under jeans or with leggings when going out this summer. It's that's amazing.


It's a really low scoopback, which I <3. You can't tell in the photo, but it's also got old-school cone shapes at the bust. Not like Madonna style, but the same basic idea, just more subtle. I LOVE IT. I kiiiiiind of feel like a pin-up girl when I'm wearing it, not going to lie. Can't wait to wear it around this amazing city this summer.

Until next time.

More than a place

Today at work I was thinking about New York. I was thinking about New York, why I'm here and why I want to stay here, and I was also thinking about how my relationship with this city affected my relationship with A, and how it may have been a factor in our recent split.

I mentioned the other day that one of my friends expressed the opinion that if you love someone enough, distance is just another obstacle to making the relationship work. I also mentioned that I disagreed with this opinion. The reasons for my disagreement are plenty, but I think the main one is that learning to live in New York is about more than just figuring out the subway system and the bus routes and where your laundromat is and your favorite Chinese restaurant. Finding a way to live in this city is a much more involved process - it's a process that forces you to find yourself.

New York is more than just a place. It's a struggle, it's a lifestyle, it's yourself staring back at you constantly. I'm finding it difficult to express just what I mean, because it's really something you have to live to understand. The best way to say it is that it's more than just a place - and I didn't realize that until recently. When I fell in love with this city, it was an intangible, ineffable experience. Just like falling in love with a person, there was no explanation. It just was. And it happened the moment I was first in the city. Now that I'm here and have been here almost five months now, it's hard to say whether I am deeper or less in love with it. And just like there are no words to describe that moment when I knew I was in love with New York, there are none to describe how I feel about it now.

Unlike any other place I've visited or inhabited - and, I would argue, most other places in this country - New York isn't just a place you live. Oxford, Birmingham, New Orleans, Atlanta, D.C. - all places I love - are all just places to live. You live there, and you make a life there, and you have friends and you go out and you have a place you call home - and none of this is bad. I don't mean it in an elitist way, but New York is just so much more than that, in good and bad ways. Maybe it's the fact that you're always around people, most of whom you do not know. Maybe it's the constant city noise. Maybe it's the smell. Maybe it's the dirt. Maybe it's the way you feel when you walk outside and it's finally a beautiful, sunny, warm day. Learning to live in New York is learning a whole new language: how people interact, what the social hierarchies are, what the neighborhoods are like, who lives where, who owns what restaurant.

I think part of the reason I left A is that I am inextricably tied to this city, at least for a while. And it's not even my fault. I didn't come up here and expect any of this to happen. I wasn't prepared. And once you move to New York, you better be prepared to learn and prepared to stay. You can't just live the life you lived in whatever place you were before, because learning how to live in a place means nothing in New York. Because it's not a place.

People always say it, and I always thought of it as an overstated cliche that people who have never lived here, but perhaps only visited, love to spout. But now that I'm a resident, I understand its meaning in a deeper and perhaps more disquieting way than ever before, and I can confirm its truth: New York is alive.

Until next time.

Devolution

I'm not sure if that's even a word, but whatevz. I was just reading back through some of my recent blog posts, and I had the bizarre sense that I was an outsider looking in on my own life. I'm left asking myself questions that I should, in theory, know the answers to: What happened? How do you have so much love in your life, and so much happiness, and then a month later, it's gone? And because of your own decisions? It's not like someone left me or did anything shitty to hurt me. Actually I find things like that much easier to deal with, because I have a low tolerance for being treated like shit, and a honed ability to cut assholes out of my life. (Read: second boyfriend.) If A had done something shitty, like cheat on me or lie or something, it would be much easier to deal with this pain. But he didn't. He didn't even leave. I left. What the fuck?

And it's not just that. It's everything in my life. I mean maybe I am just having an off day, which people of course do have, but work has just sucked and I'm beginning to feel restless again and like I am meant for something much greater. I hate to sound like a spoiled bitch - because, hey, at least I am getting paid, which in the magazine industry is supposed to be a fucking godsend - but I want something more. I'm trying to be patient, but now that I'm alone and have nothing to hold me back (and, necessarily, also nothing to look forward to) I have adopted a FTW attitude and basically I'm ready to lose my shit. Not like in an angry way, just in an out-of-control, party girl way.

I mean, if I can't do it now, when am I going to do it?

Thusly, this summer will be spent partying and losing control and not giving a shit about anything, because I have no reason to anymore. And if that doesn't work out for me, and if I don't have a real job by July/August, I'm going to Europe for like a month. I have always wanted to go, and this might be the one time in my life when I literally have nothing tying me down. No real job, no relationships, nothing.

Nothing. Just nothing nothing nothing. Endless.

Until next time.

I'm the boy

An interesting thing about breaking up, I've found, is that all your friends have opinions about it, despite knowing nothing about it. I mean, I'm not saying it's a bad thing or making any sort of judgment call on whether they should or should not express their thoughts about a situation about which they essentially know nothing. And actually, I like hearing people's opinions because it gets my brain going in different directions, and it's always good to think about things from different sides.

First of all, I need to say that it was my decision. I didn't make that clear in the last post, and the whiny emo nature of said post possibly made it seem like I was broken up with. But that is not the case. I did it. I just realized I need to be alone for a while and figure out my life in New York and in my own head. Saying goodbye to someone you love, because you know - or you think you know - it's the right thing to do, for your own good and for the other person's - that should never be an easy thing. If you really care about someone, which I do about A, it fucking hurts.

Anyway, among the various opinions I've heard: "it sounds like you're in a good place." "Distance isn't that big an obstacle if you really care about someone." (Which, PS, I disagree with.) "You have to do you and let him do him for a while. Do your own shit." (my favorite) "Man, that sucks, really." "Boys suck and I'll never understand them."

That last one struck a chord in me, and not a good one. Because A doesn't suck. He's the opposite of suck. He loves me and he's sweet and thoughtful and caring and smart and all that stuff. I, on the other hand, am doubting and fickle and lazy and questioning and flippant. I walked away for my own selfish reasons. In short: I'm the boy. I'm the one who caused the heartache, the drama, the fear of the unknown, the hurt. I'm the boy.

I just am who I am. I've always been just who I am. One day I'll grow up and be settled in myself and in this city, and then I'll be able to make confident, round decisions about who I want to be with and what sort of relationship I want to have. This is the first time in my life I have volunteered myself to be alone. That's actually not very boy, but whatever. I can't very well love someone else if I feel like I don't know who I am. New York has sort of fucked my shit up internally - which I suppose sorta normally happens to people who move to this crazy place - and I need to put it back together. Who knows how long it will take.

And I miss him. Everyday.

Until next time.

Dr. Meghan

Symptoms:
Difficulty breathing
Weakness
Fatigue
Irregular heartbeat
Depression
Headaches

Diagnosis:
Breakup/pine flu

Treatment:
Time, friends, family, New York

Love won't play any games with you anymore, if you don't want 'em to
So we better shake this old thing out the door
I'll always be thinkin' of you

I'll always love you though, New York
I'll always love you though, New York
I'll always love you though, New York
I'll always love you though, New York
New York, New York...

Until next time.