Saturday, May 9, 2009

I'm the boy

An interesting thing about breaking up, I've found, is that all your friends have opinions about it, despite knowing nothing about it. I mean, I'm not saying it's a bad thing or making any sort of judgment call on whether they should or should not express their thoughts about a situation about which they essentially know nothing. And actually, I like hearing people's opinions because it gets my brain going in different directions, and it's always good to think about things from different sides.

First of all, I need to say that it was my decision. I didn't make that clear in the last post, and the whiny emo nature of said post possibly made it seem like I was broken up with. But that is not the case. I did it. I just realized I need to be alone for a while and figure out my life in New York and in my own head. Saying goodbye to someone you love, because you know - or you think you know - it's the right thing to do, for your own good and for the other person's - that should never be an easy thing. If you really care about someone, which I do about A, it fucking hurts.

Anyway, among the various opinions I've heard: "it sounds like you're in a good place." "Distance isn't that big an obstacle if you really care about someone." (Which, PS, I disagree with.) "You have to do you and let him do him for a while. Do your own shit." (my favorite) "Man, that sucks, really." "Boys suck and I'll never understand them."

That last one struck a chord in me, and not a good one. Because A doesn't suck. He's the opposite of suck. He loves me and he's sweet and thoughtful and caring and smart and all that stuff. I, on the other hand, am doubting and fickle and lazy and questioning and flippant. I walked away for my own selfish reasons. In short: I'm the boy. I'm the one who caused the heartache, the drama, the fear of the unknown, the hurt. I'm the boy.

I just am who I am. I've always been just who I am. One day I'll grow up and be settled in myself and in this city, and then I'll be able to make confident, round decisions about who I want to be with and what sort of relationship I want to have. This is the first time in my life I have volunteered myself to be alone. That's actually not very boy, but whatever. I can't very well love someone else if I feel like I don't know who I am. New York has sort of fucked my shit up internally - which I suppose sorta normally happens to people who move to this crazy place - and I need to put it back together. Who knows how long it will take.

And I miss him. Everyday.

Until next time.

1 comment:

  1. I love how honest this is.

    my personal take on all breakup/relatioships is you gotta watch out for yourself. make yourself happy. because until you are, the thought of making someone else happy or letting someone else make you happy just don't work.

    you're hella strong, hella mature, and hella brave to not only KNOW that, but to DO that.

    love love love