Devolution

I'm not sure if that's even a word, but whatevz. I was just reading back through some of my recent blog posts, and I had the bizarre sense that I was an outsider looking in on my own life. I'm left asking myself questions that I should, in theory, know the answers to: What happened? How do you have so much love in your life, and so much happiness, and then a month later, it's gone? And because of your own decisions? It's not like someone left me or did anything shitty to hurt me. Actually I find things like that much easier to deal with, because I have a low tolerance for being treated like shit, and a honed ability to cut assholes out of my life. (Read: second boyfriend.) If A had done something shitty, like cheat on me or lie or something, it would be much easier to deal with this pain. But he didn't. He didn't even leave. I left. What the fuck?

And it's not just that. It's everything in my life. I mean maybe I am just having an off day, which people of course do have, but work has just sucked and I'm beginning to feel restless again and like I am meant for something much greater. I hate to sound like a spoiled bitch - because, hey, at least I am getting paid, which in the magazine industry is supposed to be a fucking godsend - but I want something more. I'm trying to be patient, but now that I'm alone and have nothing to hold me back (and, necessarily, also nothing to look forward to) I have adopted a FTW attitude and basically I'm ready to lose my shit. Not like in an angry way, just in an out-of-control, party girl way.

I mean, if I can't do it now, when am I going to do it?

Thusly, this summer will be spent partying and losing control and not giving a shit about anything, because I have no reason to anymore. And if that doesn't work out for me, and if I don't have a real job by July/August, I'm going to Europe for like a month. I have always wanted to go, and this might be the one time in my life when I literally have nothing tying me down. No real job, no relationships, nothing.

Nothing. Just nothing nothing nothing. Endless.

Until next time.