Thursday, January 14, 2010

Random thoughts that are too long for Twitter but still worthy of being published on the Internet

Like most people, I have a lot of random thoughts all the time. Sometimes I tweet them, and sometimes I write them down in a notebook or on my iPhone, and sometimes I just keep them to myself, only to mourn them later when I forget them. For those rare times that I find my thoughts are publish-worthy but not Twitter-worthy, I think I should be able to put them here. I'm allowed to do that because it's my blog. So there.

Some thoughts

Pretty girls never really know how pretty they are. If they know they're pretty, and even if they know they're really pretty, they can still never know exactly what they look like to other people, because they are not super-human. Even they, in all their splendiferous* physical beauty, will never be able to step outside their own consciousness and see themselves as others see them. More specifically, they will never be able to see themselves as heterosexual men who want to get in their pants see them.

Why do people say "ouch" and "ow" as opposed to, I don't know, "raj" and "yag," when they feel pain? Like why are these the chosen words we all relate to pain? They're not even real words - they're just exclamations. As a cunning linguist, I prefer to just say "fuck" and "goddamnit" when I feel pain, because at least those are real words.

There's a reason I've always had a problem with Christianity, and my reason is this: I've never been able to marry myself to the idea that what I need to achieve true personal happiness is anything separate and outside of myself. And the more I live, the more I think I'm probably right.

What if I drop a piece of trash onto the subway tracks carelessly, and a rat mistakes it for food, eats it, and then dies of internal hemorrhaging? Is that my fault, or the rat's?

The thing I hate about winter is that there's no sounding rain. Lots of snow, plenty of snow, but I miss the pounding of the water against my panes. The sound of the rain is like the forward motion of time - it never stops, until it does, and then you have no choice but to accept the silence.

Why do people go crazy? Like, legitimately, what causes psychosis? I see plenty of psychotic people in the city every single day, and I always wonder this. Like, were they always mentally ill? Or did they live as normal children, building houses out of cards and playing with toy trains and dressing their paper dolls? And if they were normal children, where, when and why did the psychotic break occur? Perhaps one day I will be crazy. Sub-thought: Craziness is really good at hide-and-seek in New York. Just this morning I was on the train with a woman who looked totally normal for the duration of our ride together, just standing near the doors, reading her book. Then right before we got to the Union Square stop, she started talking to herself and thanking people who were not, in fact, present. 

I do not and will not ever trust people who voluntarily forgo the consumption of  cheese. If you're lactose intolerant, that's one thing; you receive one sympathy vote. But if you opt out of eating cheese due to your own free will, I cannot ever trust you.

The scariest thing about the human experience is knowing that you have the power and the ability to end your own life at any given moment. I often find myself thinking about this when I see subway trains barreling toward me. The thought paralyzes me with fear.

Microwaves. We keep the same basic technology responsible for atom bombs and cancer in our homes and it is considered totally normal. WTF?

The longer I live and love, the more convinced I become that people definitely exist on different Planes of Happiness. Not like the kind that fly in the air, but like the kind in geometry. There's a reason I am 23, single, broke, living in a railroad apartment in Manhattan, putting up with a lot of inconveniences, losing sleep so that I can write, feeling like I do nothing but flail around aimlessly hoping I do something right - while others my age are engaged, married, pregnant, having babies, buying houses, and feeling very happy in their settled version of adulthood. And the reason is this: People live on different Planes of Happiness. My friends and I - having given up so much of the stability and security enjoyed my so many of our peers -  require more for our happiness. We pursue our dreams - personal, professional, and otherwise - because we demand, for our own happiness, a different level of love, friendship, accomplishment, creation and overall existence. This is why my core group of friends does not budge, but boyfriends and outer-circle friends come and go. If we're not on the same plane, it becomes apparent over time, and everything dissolves.

MRIs are the fucking scariest. thing. ever. I just had my first one recently, and it was fucking frightening. I am 100% convinced that, had they access to the technology, Medieval Torture Creative Directors (MTCD) would have lusted over this device. You know that scene from The Exorcist? Before they realize Regan's actually inhabited by a demon, her mother takes her to the doctor and they do an MRI of her brain to check for any abnormalities. Mine was just like that, minus the God-awful neck injection that must have been a regular occurrence in the 70s. A lot of people think the point of that movie is something about religion and God and Satan or something, but they are wrong: the point is that after Regan got the MRI, her symptoms only got worse, which suggests that the MRI machine actually serves as a conduit for demons who like to inhabit human bodies. After my experience, I can totally vouch for this.

*Probs made this word up


  1. Sex, Drugs, Cocoa Puffs.

    Also, more of these, please.

  2. Slow news day?!?!?

  3. It was probably a retarded rat. No worries.

  4. In France they say "aie." All their other onmatopoeias are wrong too. Like the comic book word for smacking smothing is not "thwap." I don't remember it doesn't even sound like something being smacked ...

    I also hate noncheese-eaters. I love cheese. All cheese. Any cheese. And what's up with boys who barely eat? Dude doesn't even have a proper trash can — he uses a grocery bag. His fridge/cabinets consist of grapes, water, and beer. His kitchen looks like nobody lives there.

    Do you have to get an MRI around this age? Seems like everyone in my office has had one except me. Maybe there's just some link between being 23-27 and brain injury?

    Also, thought you'd like to know that the girls in my office go to bed by 9:30 p.m. How do they feel satisfied? We have no creative editorial control over anything we edit. The job is cushy and boring. Plenty of time to look up things to do after work. They sneer at the thought of spending a night in D.C. They are ages 24-30, all in relationships. I mentioned how in NYC ppl have this problem of not feeling fulfilled if they're in bed before 1 and haven't attended some event. My job is so Stepford Wives.

  5. hmm my daughter had to have two mri's one when she was 4 the other when she was 6.... i had one, guess we're the only two who didn't mind that closed in feeling... guess the music was too

  6. Totally the rat's fault. I would not feel guilt one bit.

  7. Never had an MRI, but I will confess that I used to go to the tanning bed and like it. It was a relaxing, warm, yet coffin-like thing that when I think about it is a little creepy. I'd imagine the MRI machine might feel similar?

  8. The guy I see is kinda like the pretty girl thought. There's just something about him I can't get enough of. He knows he's got something but has to clue of it's magnitude.

    And I completely agree with the plane of happiness. I'm going through a divorce, with lots of fighting, recently moved into an apartment, etc. But at the end of the day even with the struggles I face, I'm happy. The soon to be ex can't understand that. As long as it makes sense to me!

  9. @Hannah: I'm reading S, D & CCP right now! You always know what books I'm reading without talking to me about them. I wonder what that means.

    @Willow: I don't think staying out til 1 every night is innately going to make anyone happy. And I agree that boys who do not eat freak me out. Actually, people in general who do not eat freak me out.

    @Chrissy: My MRI had no music! Wtf. I feel so jipped. I was terrified and some Weezy or J. Tim may have helped to calm me down.

    @Emily: Never been in a tanning bed, but I imagine that is a much better experience than an MRI. There was no warmth. Hated it.

  10. I lurk on this blog quite a bit ... I love that you're a deep thinker and I enjoy your thoughts. I strongly dislike your music, but love your thoughts. You probably could care less what I have to say now ...

    However. Think about this. Why is it that the folks that live on your plane of happiness (and I love this theory by the way) require MORE to be happy? Why do you immediately assume that it is MORE to remain single, pursue writing, go clubbing, live the fast life in New York and that it is LESS to co-exist with someone else, nurture children that will be the future of our world, and perhaps go to a horrible job for the joy of knowing that you are providing for the people that you love the most? And then, after all of that, to want to pursue writing or trying to manage your own business on etsy or working out to attain some level of fitness or what have you?

    Why is your happiness MORE than anothers? Why is your happiness somehow more difficult to attain or requiring MORE effort?

    I would argue they are equal. Equal planes. Equal levels of happiness. Just different.

  11. Yep, everyone has different things that make them happy. Definitely doesn't make the person that goes broke trying to get a certain type of a job a better person because of sacrifices. Be happy more M and the rest will happen in time.

  12. my fav quote from here: "We pursue our dreams - personal, professional, and otherwise - because we demand, for our own happiness, a different level of love, friendship, accomplishment, creation and overall existence. " love that whole paragraph, actually...

  13. @Name: I actually made sure that I did not imply that my Plane of Happiness is better or worse than other people's Planes of Happiness. I'm not making a value judgment about what sort of life is better than another, or if any are better than any others. I don't think they are *equal per se, because I do think certain people, because of whatever life circumstances they find themselves in, are capable of feeling deeper sadness, deeper happiness, deeper sorrow, etc. Not necessarily better, but deeper.

    @Richard: I don't think I'm better at all. In fact I sometimes envy people who need less for their Happiness. But then I remember that hopefully (eventually) my sacrifices will result in a deeper (though not necessarily "better") happiness down the road.

    @Nathanael thanks dear :)

  14. lol i avoid microwaves as much as possible these days. i'm already getting radiation from my laptop(s); i don't need it in my food :)

  15. "If we're not on the same plane, it becomes apparent over time, and everything dissolves." I can really relate to that line. Good stuff.

  16. YES! Finally someone who understands my obsession with cheese! I have a friend who "doesn't like the taste" of cheese, and I am very wary of him. To me he's like the ocean, I never turn my back to him.

  17. I completely agree with what you said about the scariest thing about the human experience - I have the same thoughts when I'm on a bridge or cliff too. It is terrifying!

  18. Hi. I'm a Christian and I just wanted to clarify that absolutely nothing about believing in Jesus is supposed to make you happy. In fact, many of the famous first followers of Jesus were tortured and murdered for their faith. Jesus does not solve your problems. You don't become a Christian and suddenly everything is all sunshine and roses and butterflies. It's just as hard as it was before. The world is just as unkind, we're just as frustrated, and disappointed when things don't work out. We still have emotions! You don't become a Happy Zombie when you become a Christian.

    I will say though that being a Christian can give one a sense of purpose and direction in life. It can help give meaning to seemingly meaningless situations. It can give some comfort in difficult situations, but the situations are still difficult! Bad things happen to Christians too! If you think becoming a Christian is your answer to becoming "happy" then you have missed the point in what Jesus is trying to tell you in the Bible.

    I would be happy to discuss this more with you or introduce you to some people who might be able to answer your questions about what Christians believe. I'm from NYC too, so I am around if you are interested.


  19. I'm delurking to say that I kind of agree with Name Nazi here...the line about "We pursue our dreams - personal, professional, and otherwise - because we demand, for our own happiness, a different level of love, friendship, accomplishment, creation and overall existence"
    kind of implies that those that chose marriage, children, etc. did not pursue their dreams, but settled.

    I'm not saying you SAID that, but that it seemed to imply it. The funny thing is, is that I could have written this myself, minus the Christianity thing about 10 years ago..before I realized it wasn't an either or situation. I could have a wonderful marriage AND a career that fulfilled my dreams, and a life that makes me so deeply happy I don't know what to do with myself some days. Yes, you CAN have it all, in time.Hope you find it, and love it!

  20. I agree with you - non-cheese eaters are creepy.

  21. I completely agree with you on the “different Planes of Happiness” topic. I think about this SO much, you wouldn’t even believe it. Actually, my very first post to our blog in December was titled “The Boy and Baby Craze” and it’s pretty much about this exact topic. Every time I sit down to start a new post I feel like my thoughts always lead back to this. I have had a very hard time with one of my best friends lately. We live completely different lives. We can still email and laugh and get along but we don’t have a whole lot of common ground between us anymore and it really is just sad. I love her children to DEATH, I mean they are my niece and nephews but her life is so completely different from mine, we just don’t have a lot in common anymore. We talk about the kids and she fills me in on what she has been up to and I do the same but the “best friend” title that we used to hold so proudly and that huge bond that was there just seems like a distant memory and it really is so very sad. I try to picture myself living her life and it always leads to the image of me, in the corner, rocking with a gun to my head! I couldn’t do it, I would feel so trapped and tied down. I love her to pieces and I know we will always be there for each other but it just seems like it’s time to stop trying so hard and let our friendship go on auto pilot. And I don’t mean that I want us to stop being friends but maybe just try to stop being in each other’s worlds so much, it’s just too hard and neither one of us has the time. We also now live almost an hour apart so that makes it difficult too. I don’t know, it’s sad but yet, I know she is happy and I am definitely happy so what is the solution? I have several friendships like this and it just gets me thinking on almost a daily basis. So yeah, I totally understand what you are saying. Sorry, I’m not very good at “summing up” my thoughts! :-)

  22. A. Rats don't have stomachs. Few people know this but Rats actually have Flux Capacitors in their stomachs. B. Even if the rat ate the trash (and really is it that hard to believe) that rat would just go back in time, or forward, depending on what direction it was facing. C. Yes it would be your fault. Just like if you put a whole pie in front of me and I eat it. Your fault.

  23. I referenced this post along with an excerpt from it in my latest entry. I hope you don't mind!

    Thanks for writing miss.

  24. Wow, thank you so much for your creative genius. Everything I've read of yours thus far is genuine, heartfelt, and mostly humorous. Your candid outlook on life really helps me appreciate everything and everyone just a bit more than I did five seconds ago. So thanks. Again.