Irrational fears you're not supposed to share with other people because it's sorta angsty and thus embarrassing
Sometimes I have really, really irrational fears that come out of nowhere, and they sort of take over my brain for a while. So today I decided that it might help if I write them down and share them with the entire Internet. You know, like it might just make me feel a little better to know that everyone who reads my blog knows how I really feel deep down inside, on my worst days. #human #dontjudgeme
So, firstly, sometimes I read blogs like this and worry that I will never ever have what they have. What if I never get married? What if I never have babies? What if I never have the home life I want to have?
Even worse: What if I've already had the great loves of my life, and I've like reached my quota, and I don't get to have any more?
Even even worse: What if I don't deserve any more love because I fucked up my past ones too much?
Even even even worse: What did I do wrong? What is so wrong with me that all my past relationships failed so miserably and I can't stay in touch with even a single one of my exes, even just as friends?
What ifI'm just one of the unlucky ones?
Did you ever hurt so badly that you loved it?
What if I never write anything meaningful or far-reaching?
What if I never finish my book?
What if I lose my writing voice, or my drive to write, or people stop liking my writing?
What if I never achieve anything great in my life?
What if I just think I have something great to offer the world, but really I don't?
What if I spend my whole life doing a job I like, but don't love, just because I want the security of having a job, and then I never make enough art and I forget my passion and I wake up and I'm 30 and I've made nothing significant?
What if I just keep telling myself there's always tomorrow, and I put off all the things I want to do, just because it's easier that way?
It's just one day, one day, one day after another.
What if there's actually no order to the universe, and every action is ultimately devoid of meaning?
What if that lack of order means that it's possible to make just a few mistakes and totally fuck up the rest of your life?
What if I've already fucked up my life and I just don't know it yet?
Ugh. I hate when I get like this, and I hate even more when I sound whiny. I finally watched Conan's last episode the other night, and I teared up when he said the following, because I felt so inspired by his positivity. I have to hope that what he says is true, because otherwise I have no idea what to think.
All I ask of you, especially young people, is one thing. Please don't be cynical. I hate cynicism - it's my least favorite quality and it doesn't lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen. I'm telling you, amazing things will happen.
Sorry, Conan. I promise I'm not usually this cynical. I'm a really optimistic person, I swear! It's just that I'm human, and I'm honest, and as an honest human I have to say: the future is fucking scary sometimes, and your early-mid 20s especially suck because it feels like all the decisions you make carry the weight of the entire world. People keep telling me they don't; I can't help but suspect that, secretly, they do.
Perhaps our entire 20s can best be summed up with one singular, rather annoying symbol. Get ready. It's a classic. Here it is.