Wednesday, March 17, 2010

A change of pace

Late last summer, when I first started writing this blog every single day and pouring my heart and soul into it, it was because I felt a natural urge to do so. Every single post I wrote for months and months came from a sincere place, and if I didn't feel inspired to write something, I just didn't. For the past month or so, I have felt an artistic anxiety unlike anything I've experienced before, and I've been unsure of how to filter it into a product. As a result - and you may have noticed this - my writing and my blog have suffered. I've tried to create posts, and have succeeded at times, but mostly I have faltered. I've noticed that the quality of my work has dipped, and my readership has dropped off. Rather than continue on like nothing is changing, I thought it best to just be honest - since my blog was born out of an honest place - and keep it real in BtoA land.

As y'all know, I write a lot on my phone. I wrote this late last night on the bus home, and I think it adequately expresses how I've been feeling recently. Mostly because it's completely stream of consciousness and unedited. So, here it is.

I feel filled with an energy I can't explain. Up until recently, I have always just wanted to write. Forever and ever I've written, and had the urge to write, and have written. I always thought that was my ultimate calling, but now I'm not sure; not because I don't want to write anymore, but because I feel some new urge to create visual and audial things. I see myself crouched over papers, stop-going on camera, splattering paint on walls. I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing or why.

The fact that I'm compelled to write this down at all means something. Writing is still my first method of expression, my go-to for needing to get things out to the universe. But I feel an undeniable thing growing inside me, to express myself and make things in ways I never thought of before. I want to wrap my arms around a guitar player and have him love me back. I want to sing and write music and stay true to myself as I create beautiful things to share with other people. I want the present, past and future of New York to live through me. I want to breathe it in and feel it grow and burst out of me in whatever ways it deems best. Nanoosh. McDonalds. Symphony Cleaners. The Food Emporium. Duane Reade. Chase Bank. C town town town. Welcome to the johnsons. Brooklyn. Harlem. The 6 train. The M15. Summer in the park. Sunlight. Green grass. Patti and Robert. Love. Art. Friendship. Family.

I want to know my purpose. What I'm supposed to make for the world. I'm pleading with the universe regularly to show me.

Show me.
Show me.
Show me.
Show me.
How do I find it?

After this post, my blog is probably going to go through a bit of a transformation. I've been wanting to experiment with photography, videography, painting, drawing, decorating, everything. So - for those of you who care - you will probably see more posts relating to that type stuff starting soon. My posts will probably be more sporadic, less scheduled, and more varied in nature. Ultimately, for me, it always comes back to writing, so it's not like I'm going to stop using words. But I'm going to start doing other things too, as soon as I figure out where to start.

On the walk home, on my block, I stopped in my tracks on 104th street when I saw this stenciled on a door outside a church.

It says, "If it is to be, then it is up to me." Then it says, "God loves you."

I've walked 104th street a hundred times, even before I moved here, heading to my old home from Zac's apartment - but I didn't see this sign until tonight. It seems, of course, incredibly appropriate.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do, which is a very foreign feeling. I hope that those of who you really love my blog and feel some sort of connection with me will hang around while I navigate this unknown part of my life. I think and hope and pray that it will be worth it.


  1. Good on you for being dissatisfied and doing something about it. Far too many of us embrace the rut out of apathy, exhaustion, fear or plain laziness, but go searching!

  2. I hear ya, lady.

    While I still love the shit out of writing, I want more lately. I want to see and be seen. I want to hear and be heard.

    I've tried writing porn-y posts.

    Half-assed poetry.

    I'm even working with a cartoonist buddy on a comic strip.

    Trying to figure out what will make blogging fun for me again.

  3. That line says it all... Go with it... My son is 19 1/2 and he still can not figure out what his purpose or what he wants to do in life... He can't even figure out what interests him in college... Thus, he is dragging his feet and taking his GE courses and he is frustrating me... His sisters weren't too sure what they wanted to do but they showed more drive in their courses... I have come to the conclusion that each person has their own path and that not all have the same ideas... I have enjoyed your writings because they are so honest... The only thing that I can say is that as long as you are true to yourself, you will find that all comes in time, experiment otherwise u will never may hit u when u aren't even looking for it...

  4. Speaking from experiance as an artist, you are not alone. I constantly feel inspired but just don't know what to do with the energy or the ideas. Or when I am given a project or a problem to solve with art, I feel full with an unidentifiable sense of creation, but don't quite know how to express it. So i guess moral of the story, you are not alone, you are just simply, an artist. Welcome to the most fun you can have in life :)

  5. At the end of the day, blogging is about what you feel inspired to do and doing it in a way that gives you pride. If people stop reading after you've done you're switch, then so be it. You're talented enough that you'll find a new audience.

  6. Si vous éprouvez ce Besoin d'autres expériences N'y renoncez pas. Votre Jeunesse et vos Capacités vous le PERMETTENT. Vos lecteurs Seront Ravis de découvrir les changements. Bonne chance

  7. I was going to say something, but I felt the negative comments were enough. Besides, your quality of work prior to the last month was what got me to follow you. :)

  8. You do what you need to do, sugar pie. The people who love you will be right behind you.

  9. Sister, you have to answer to what you've been called for. You are going through a transformation, becoming more sensitive to things around you, pausing at "moments", translating visuals, interpreting the inanimates, breathing art, exhaling honesty..
    I yearn for moments like these, God bless you'll find your ways to artistic solitude..I am struggling to listen out for the callings...of poetry..


  10. I stumbled upon your blog and found it fascinating. How incredible that you asked the universe for a sign and purpose...and that you found that message in return. I personally, do not believe in consequences. I believe that you were meant to see that message, at the exact time you saw it. You sound like a wonderful person who is full of energy, art, and an incredible colorful love for life. I wish you all the best there is and hope you find whatever you are looking for...whether it be through your art, your daily surroundings, or your thoughts about God.

  11. M~
    I too am going through an artistic transition. I read you as a vibrant young woman with your entire life ahead of you. Whatever path you walk, you are worth every step. Live now and enjoy.

    I am 43 and I just discovered my creative abilities. Ironically, the validation from my blogging community has lifted me more than non-readers. I envy your youth as well as your choice of experiences, and I look forward to living vicariously through you while you journey into answers.

    God bless and peace be with you.

  12. Don't give up... I found your blog and have been reading, and am rooting for you and with you on your journey.

  13. you said you felt an artistic energy like never before... i'm in that place right now.. no wise advice, just another soul going through the same strange and beautiful journey, trying to reconcile all that life asks, and all that my life needs.. one day, perhaps.