Friday, March 26, 2010

i feel like i'm not a real person

I haven't blogged all week, sort of on purpose and sort of on accident. I've been busy. And I've been distancing myself because I want to work on other aspects of my work. The following is an example. I was talking to Zachary about how early my roommate gets up (sometimes around 6:30), and how I can sometimes hear her morning routine.

me: showers and like fixes breakfast and stuffZachary: like a real person me: right Zachary: i feel like i'm not a real personsometimes
 me: im like lemme roll outta bed at 745 and stumble through brushing my teeth
  ME. TOO.
  i know what you mean
 Zachary: andy warhol (obvs) has a quote about feeling like he lives in a tv show
  i totally get that
 me: ooohhh
 Zachary: and it's interesting because he said that after he was shot
and he said something like before i was shot i used to have this idea that i lived in a tv show blah blah blah
  and i thought it was going to be like after i was shot, it was like i was brought into real life
  but instead he said after i was shot, i KNEW that i lived in a tv show. we change the channels but it's all still tv
me: v interesting
  like nothing really changed
  he still felt like he was watching his life happen from outside
Zachary: "Before I was shot, I always thought that I was more half-there than all-there – I always suspected that I was watching TV instead of living life. People sometimes say that the way things happen in movies is unreal, but actually it's the way things happen in life that's unreal. The movies make emotions look so strong and real, whereas when things really do happen to you, it's like watching television – you don't feel anything. Right when I was being shot and ever since, I knew that I was watching television. The channels switch, but it's all television."
  when i read that i was like i. totally. get. that.
  it's kind of sad but so true
me: ohhhh man
  so true
  i talked to my friend about that like a few months ago
  how things happen but it's like they're not happening at all
 like we build up hope and expectations about these events in our life, to marcate our lives, then when they actually happen it just breezes by and doesn't feel like anything
 so like when he was shot he expected things to feel real but then they didn't, which just confirmed his belief that he was living in a tv show
 Zachary: right. you dont know what it is until you look back like oh, that was pivotal
 me: or is it? is anything pivotal?
 Zachary: but in the moment it's just life
 me: but all there is is the moment
 Zachary: i think in retrospect things can be
 me: sommmmmmetimes
  other times you're just left with this feeling that it happened, it's gone, and it meant nothing
  even though you thought it would mean something
  or it's like you didn't even fully experience it
 forget meaning entirely
  it's like you weren't fully there
 Zachary: but then sometimes it's the opposite
 me: when i look back on my life, my best best best days were the days where i felt like i was fully in the moment
 Zachary: i cant remember ever being as in-a-trance happy as i was at gaga and on sunday
 me: exactly
  i think about double decker 2007
Zachary: oh def dd07
 me: those stand out to me
  three. days.
  out of how many thousands ive been alive
 Zachary: roughly 9000
 me: im sure i could think of more, but the point is which days do you not have to think about to remember?
 and i sort of live with this constant fear that the BIG DAYS we all want to experience will not be like that
  such as getting married
  like will i experience my wedding day and be like.... eh not as good as dd2007 or sun2010
  not because of anything situational
  just because for whatever reason the universe was not aligned like it has been on those few days
 Zachary: not that other days are bad
 me: no it's not that they are bad
  they are just like tv
 Zachary: i dont think tv is a bad thing
 me: nope
  its not
  and it's not even that experiencing your own life like a tv show is "bad"
  it's just strange
  very strange
  and i would not call it pleasant
  it's disconcerting  Sunday, March 21, 2010 was one of the best days of my life. Evidence here.


  1. See, that's the thing. We tend to have superb days, try to emulate them later on, and since we cannot, they feel like the best days ever. Of course, that's until we have another superb day, then it starts all over again. I feel if you just relax and take things as they may, you'll have a greater chance at alot more days that are superb.

    Glad you're back.

  2. If i ask you what were the best things that happened to you in 2003, could you recall?

    Those are great pictures you have:)

  3. Those pictures are amazing. I can totally picture them being a part of a magazine layout especially since so many are candid pics.
    I am also amazed at the color and the sharpness of the pictures... What kind of camera you have?

  4. I have been silently following your blog for a few months and I can't be silent anymore. I like your style. I love your story. reading your blogs is like reading my life had I chosen what i had wanted to choose instead of what everyone else wanted me to choose.
    Let me back up. I always dreamed of moving to New York city alone to persue a career in writing and theater. Instead I married and now have four children and a very boringly ordinary life. I'm only thirty.

    Anyway, I admire your courage to do what you wanted to do with your life because you would have always wondered if there was something else. However, I have also been able to see, through your blog, that no life is perfect and everyone has moments of doubt and unrest - even when living the dream.

    To comment on your latest entry. Yes, I understand what Andy Warhol meant by his tv comment as well. Sometimes the best and most memorable days come out of the borishly simple ones. And the ones you think you'll remember as having been perfect you don't.

    The wedding was a perfect example. Not to put a damper on your future wedding, but what I remember most about my wedding is simply the over-all feeling of happiness and contentment. When it comes to the details they're foggy at best.

    To summarize, its the moment. You have to live in the moment. Because the moment will not last. One day, before you know it you'll be a thirty-year old soccer mom looking back at your twenties with fondness and a desire to relive it, but knowing that you can't. embrace your life now, exactly the way it is and I will try to do the same.