everything i know

I learned it from Bey.

Throwback Thursday: Beyoncé edition

This week, I wanted to take it back to the summer of 2003, when Beyoncé made her debut as a solo artist with the single "Crazy in Love" and the whole world went OH MY FUCKING JESUS THIS GIRL IS THE SHIT. It was the summer before my senior year of high school, and I listened to her first album, Dangerously in Love, on repeat for the duration of it. Come to think of it, it's one of my first real memories of driving around and dancing obnoxiously in my car, totally young and carefree. When it came to my immersion in pop music, I was completely delusional, and still pretty much am to this day.

So, here's the video that, in a sense, started it all. In it, we see the first hints of themes that would prove to be staples in Beyoncé's repertoire, including but not limited to: large fans and windblown hair, always wearing heels, twerking it in said heels, large fur coats, chewing or faux-chewing gum, collabos with Jay-Z, generally looking smoking hot, and (apparently) setting cars on fire. Even Chuck Klosterman has written about how much he fucking loved this song when it came out, and Chuck doesn't really love a lot of things.



Also, it's weird to think that when she made this video, she was a year (nigh two) younger than I am presently. F.M.L.

Please direct all inquiries to imahotcelebrity@gmail.com

I've always had sort of a weird curiosity about celebrities' personal contact information. Like phone numbers, e-mail addresses, AIM screen names, shit like that. I mean, you know Beyoncé has an e-mail account. I'm sure Jay be all up in her inbox with sweet nuffins all day long. So, inspired by my creepy curiosity about these things, I decided to come up with a list of possible e-mail addresses for all my favorite celebs. I'll start with the most obvious ones.

Lady Gaga
theartistformerlyknownasstephaniegermanotta@gmail.com

Beyoncé
HBIC@gmail.com

Trey Songz
sexpatentnumba69@gmail.com

Britney Spears
fanmailgoeshereyall@gmail.com (this redirects from icantbelieveistillhavefans@hotmail.com)

Mariah Carey
finallyfoundtrueluvxoxo@gmail.com

Weezy
hollatyaboy@gmail.com

Miley Cyrus
isecretlyhatebeingacelebrity@gmail.com (also redirects from ihatetwitter@gmail.com)

Rihanna
fuckyouchris@gmail.com


Leave your suggestions in the comments.

Trey Songz vs. Beyoncé

So, the Grammy nominations came out the other day. Nothing surprised me too much, except for this shocking nomination head-to-head in the Best Contemporary R&B Album category: Trey Songz vs. Beyoncé. I mean, y'all know I love me some Trey Songz, but Bey is my girl forever, and there's just no comparing the two. Not just at the Grammys, or in this specific category, or even in music - but at life in general. When it comes to life in general, no one can compete with Bey.

Anyway, inspired by this ridiculous comparison of talent, I did some YouTube searching for Beyoncé/Trey Songz mash-ups, and found this amazing piece of work. It's actually not a mash-up, but essentially a cover Songz did of Beyoncé's song(z) Ego. He took her beat and rapped/sang over it, making up his own lyrics. And they. are. amazing.


My appreciation for what some people call terrible - and I call amazing - songwriting is well-known; but this is just taking it a bit too far, no?: If I say I'm the shit, then maybe you could be my tissue roll.

Oh, and it's worth noting that the short clip of music playing at the beginning of the YouTube video is actually from Weezy's "Let The Beat Build," which is the best song* from Tha Carter III.

*this shit is my jam

New/old Beyoncé

I discovered this Beyoncé song recently. It's always weird to find old music that you've never heard by an artist you love. I think this was released as an extra song on B'Day or something. I love it because it seems incredibly appropriate at this point in my life, and it's hilarious.



I really wish there were an official video for this song, because I'm sure it would be lolz. However, since there isn't, a fan-made mash-up will have to suffice. Oh, Bey, you're so ridonk, and I'm so glad you're in my life.

HLLWN Throwback

It's the Friday before HLLWN, which basically means it's HLLWN y'all! Ughhhhh I'm so excited I can't stand it. My costume is basically ready - I just have a couple more things to pick up, and it will officially be GAGAWEEN.

In honor of my favorite holiday, I thought I would throwback and post some photos of the past two HLLWNs. Being some sort of diva seems to be my modus operandi. In 2007, I was Vicky B. Last year, of course, I was Beyoncé. This year, Lady Gaga. Next year? Oh, yes, I already have an idea. But you bitches gotta wait a while for that announcement.

HLLWN 2007

The most important thing about this photo is the Colonel Reb decoration. I believe that might be a tapestry??






















Naturally, Z went as David Beckham.






















I remember we implemented a strict "NO SMILING" rule. I fucked it up.















C went as Bill Clinton, which makes this photo seem all the more appropriate.























HLLWN 2008
If ya liked it, then ya shoulda put a ring on it.






















I was pretty proud of this costume. I have to give Schmom B. credit for my hair though. It was the shit.






















M went as Bust It Baby. Plies keep her on deck.






















Look! Hours of dancing in, and my hair is still up. We were out til like 6 a.m. I'm telling you, the shit.

















This year promises to be even more epic, because we now enjoy taking video of ourselves. Check back Sunday for updates. Or Monday, LBO.

A pity party, and some encouraging words from my BeyFF

Today has not been a good day for me. It started out badly and has just continued to spiral down into a black abyss of shittiness that concluded with my earbuds cracking and the speaker part dangling out of its snug little home. I would take a photo with my phone and e-mail it to myself, but apparently my phone isn't working either.

I spent the better part of today - allow me to be dramatic - on the verge of tears, and I really needed something to cheer me up. After some brainstorming, I came up with this, which always makes me smile. Thanks, Bey.



Now, if only I could hear it.

/end pity party

I'ma let you finish, Mr. President

Ladies and gentleman, a moment of pop culture genius.



My favorite part is toward the end when Obama says "that's not true." Um, I'm sorry, Mr. President? Are you saying Single Ladies wasn't one of the best videos of all time? A year ago I was in my bedroom in Birmingham obsessively learning the dance, and I still get excited when it comes on in the club. If that's not staying power, I don't know what is, Mr. President. Maybe if you weren't so busy concerning yourself with public safety, international relations and health care (schmealth care), you would re-ca-nize what 'Ye and the rest of the world already acknowledge as base fact: If you could materialize Beyoncé's video into a solid food item and have it for breakfast every morning, you would live a better, more productive life. Don't try to deny it.

I walk like this 'cuz I'm... Obsessed?

I am so fucking excited for Mariah Carey's new album, which was written and produced by my new favorite artist/muse/soulmate The-Dream, that every week or so I get on YouTube and search "Mariah Carey The Dream" to see if any new songs have been leaked. Today I discovered this, which isn't on the album obvs, but which is shmamazing nonetheless.



It's a good thing my computer doesn't have a cam in it. My chair dancing often includes undoubtedly embarrassing facial expressions and drag queen lip synching. The album, appropriately/cheesily titled Memoirs Of An Imperfect Angel, drops Sept. 29 - fewer than 20 days from now. Squeeeeaaaallll. But I mean, who's counting?

COLD

With the help of my good friend Jenny - and her superior upper body strength - I have achieved air conditioner success. Behold.























A thing of beauty, isn't she? This really is going to greatly improve my quality of life in NYC, for a few reasons.

1. She's cold.
2. She blocks out 95% of the street noise.
3. She has a remote and a sleep timer!

The guy also sold me a 2-year warranty plan for half price, so this bitch is gonna be in my life for a while. Boys may come and go, but AC Sasha (this is what I have decided to name her, just now) is here to stay.

Life is good right now. I feel happy. My job is going well - I'm starting to really like and appreciate what I do - and New York, once again, is proving to never get old. There's always something new to discover, new to learn, new to love. I've been to a lot of cities in this country, and nowhere feels like home like New York does.

Speaking of traveling, I have decided I will travel out of the country by the time I am 25. I never have, which is completely insane. Jenny was telling me at dinner tonight about a couple of her friends who are enrolled in a "life abroad" program where you basically set aside $5,000 and this company hooks you up with a job and a place to live and all that stuff in a foreign country. It's like study abroad for adults. I want to do it. I would love to pack my bags and leave the country for six months - maybe even a year - and live somewhere totally foreign to me. I would love to blog about it, and be a real journalist for a year, writing about all the new things I would discover. Maybe it will be my 25th birthday present to myself.

Another thing I've decided, in one of my brilliant shower epiphanies: if and when I ever decide to get married, I want my hubby-to-be to call me his "beyoncé." I mean, it rhymes with fiancée, and I bet in everyday conversation - "my beyoncé and I went to a movie this weekend," "my beyoncé makes badass salads," "my beyoncé made me put a ring on it" - it sounds *just like fiancée. Like I bet people wouldn't even notice. Anyway, the man I deem worthy of marriage will have no problem doing this, and he will do it willingly, because he will find it hilarious. Because it is.

Sigh. Until next time.