Sunday, December 14, 2008

Missing the relationship gene

I can safely say I've never been in happy, healthy, normal, adult relationship with a guy. At least for no extended period of time. I was definitely in love with J, my first boyfriend, in high school, and we dated for 5+ years. It was young love, infatuation, stupid. We were never right for each other, which is why it ended and I haven't spoken to him in months. Oh, and he's married now.

The next guy I dated, D, was a bundle of issues I didn't want to deal with. We dated off and on for six months, and it ended worse than my first relationship. We no longer speak. The last words I said to him were "fucking shitbag," if that tells you anything. He is also dating someone seriously now.

And now I've entered into a long distance relationship (LDR) with A, without really knowing what I'm doing. We started talking in July, and I honestly never thought it would go anywhere serious, and I basically told him that when it was time for me to move to NYC, it would also be time to end the relationship. He didn't like this, of course, but we kept talking, and eventually I got to the point where I didn't want to break up with him. And I don't now, I don't think.

I just wonder what my deal is. Why can't I meet a nice, smart, funny, honest, sane guy who lives in the same ZIP code as me? I hate LDRs, and I'm also pretty bad at them. So why do I keep getting sucked in? I did it with J and now I'm doing it with A. Why? Why do I keep doing this? Is there something wrong with me?

I know this isn't an original thought, because Carrie talked about it on SATC when she was reconsidering her acceptance of Aidan's proposal -- but maybe I'm missing the relationship gene. Maybe some people just aren't cut out for serious relationships. Maybe the reason I can't meet someone who I want to date, who is a good guy, and who lives in the same city as me is because I repel relationships, like the negative ends of two magnets. No matter how hard you try to get them to touch, they just won't, and it's really annoying.

Then again, I think I'm way too young to be worrying about this bullshit. So what if I'm kind of bad at relationships? I'm 22. Maybe I'm supposed to be bad at them for a while. Maybe that's how you learn to be good at them.

I just wonder how long A will put up with it. He says he wants to be with me, and he's willing to work through our difficulties because he thinks I'm worth it. But for how long? When I get to NYC, we will be entering into a new stage of our relationship, yes, but it will still be an LDR. So how much different will it be, really? I will be physically closer to him, but we still won't really be sharing our lives. How well can you really know someone if you only see him once every week, or two weeks, or three weeks?

When you're about to embark on the adventure of your life, these are the questions you're forced to ask yourself. It sucks because it hurts, both yourself and others. But it's better to ask beforehand and be prepared than to enter into something blindly just because it's easier.

Majorly yours.

1 comment:

  1. I don't you're missing the relationship gene. I think they are - they meaning the men. I'm of the honest opinion of Miranda from SATC: "Men are like cabs, you have to get them when their light is on." I'm there with you, though; trying to develop a serious relationship is tough, even if it's with someone you mesh with.