Straight up: I don't have very many straight male friends, and I never really have. Throughout my life, I've probably had three *really good straight guy friends, and of those three, I've secretly had a crush on like two of them. Now, concerning the psychology behind this life pattern of mine, I don't really care/want to take the time to dissect what it says about my relationships with men. At least not on this blog, which includes posts about candlies, chairs and Gmail fails. (My life is so hard.)
Suffice it to say that, usually, I end up with crushes on the straight men I know, or vise versa. With the hope of objectively learning the inner workings of the straight male brain, I recently struck up an online friendship with a straight guy. We talk about dating, sex and relationships, with the strict goal of enlightening one another. Prior to this relationship, we only knew of each other through other people, and had never spoken. What follows is an actual conversation we had, enhanced with italicized commentary/inner monologue from yours truly.
Boy: Liked the falafel dating post Me: hahaha Thanks? Boy: yeah it was pretty funny/heinous of that dude to act like that Boy: This is about to get real ironical. Me: oh it was hilarious Boy: I paid $150 for a first date for a girl I hadn't even slept with Boy: Aren't I a saint? Boy: I miss dating Boy: Siiiigh. Aren't I sweet? Me: Awww, that's sweet. Me: Go on a date! Boy: Too busy though Me: ah Boy: Gotta focus on my shit Me: I like dating, it's fun Because even if it's a bad date and the guy's an idiot, I can blog about it and make it into something funny So it's just material for me. hahaha Me: I totally consider this fair warning. Boy: I wish I had that outlook on dating I just feel like its a waste of time unless I'm super interested Boy: In other news, I'm bipolar. Boy: I guess I don't want to pay for sex Boy: Because it's illegal. Boy: I could probably get that without having to buy more than a few drinks I know that sounds cynical, but I just can't really wrap my head around it anymore Me: wow Me: SJKERHKWJH5KJK!!!03393939WKKKK????? Boy: I feel like I have an extreme view of either wanting to force a connection or simply lie back and wait on it to happen. I don't want to explore connections and hope one works out Boy: I'm lazy. Boy: I can make friends pretty easily and I have too many friends as it is Boy: Sigh. I don't want to work to fit new people into my busy sausage fest schedule, you know what I mean? Boy: Sorry that sounded super arrogant. I mean more that I hate disappointing people and I feel like I'm constantly doing that by trying to meet all the demands in my life Boy: MY LIFE IS SO HARD JUST LIKE HOLDEN CAULFIELD'S. Me: It didn't sound arrogant, but it sounded really crude I mean not the part about friends, the part about paying for sex Me: Let me be frank. Me: As if a girl going on a date with a guy and letting him pay is akin to prostitution Boy: Not like that. I just mean that on my end (not the girl's, I'm talking about my motivation) if I'm not seeing much could come of any relationship I could probably see myself sleeping with her but obviously that would be somewhat crude and I don't want to be that person. Thus, I don't date much. Boy: Sort of like Pavlov's Dogs, you know? I hear "date" and I get an uncontrollable erection... shit. Fuck. Boy: B/c in a sense I would be paying for dinner in the hopes that she would sleep with me Boy: FUCK. Boy: But not be my friend or girlfriend or lover Boy: OK, whew. It's gone now. Boy: I think of it as an absurdist's nobility Me: Let me be frank. Me: I have no idea what any of that means Boy: Shit. Unless I can really see all the trouble of dating being worth it (some form of relationship) then I go for it. If I did go on dates with women I was not that into (no form of relationship desired) then I would only be hoping to sleep with them. Thus I would feel like I was paying for sex. Boy: Again, like SO totally illegal, right? Except for that rando place in Nevada or something? Me: So dating is dead? Like going on a date with someone you don't really know, just to get to know them and pursue any potential connection, is totally pointless? Instead we have replaced it with getting drunk at a bar and going home and sleeping together Like going on a date is no longer step one It's only something you do if you *already feel a connection of some sort Otherwise, you're only interested in fucking Is that right? Me: Pig. Boy: That makes me sound like a huge pig. But I'm just saying, in my own personal world, I can get to know people without the social structure of a "date" (defined: special outing of two attracted parties). In the context of a date I assume something more romantic. If I want to get to know someone I talk to them wherever we are: supermarket, bookstore, outside of class. Boy: So, unless you are a girl standing in my immediate vicinity... you know, shmeh. Me: Well that's how you do things, and that is your choice, and I'm sure you will find a girl who is the same way and doesn't expect to be dated Me: They're all in Williamsburg right now. Drunk. Boy: I think going on a date is step 2. If that's what you're asking sorry if that all sounded like bullshit Me: I mean I guess it's just a difference of opinion I'm not sure old-fashioned or anything like that Me: I'm so upset right now I don't even know how to speak English. Me: But I have to be honest and say that I hope there are still guys out there who think differently about it than what you just outlined Because it's pretty depressing for me to think that a guy only wants to take me out on a date if he knows me already or he's hoping to get laid Boy has signed off. Me: Typical.