Cupcakes > Abortion

Jezebel posted this today in remembrance of National Pro-Life Cupcake Day (um, yeah, you read that correctly), and I was literally LOLZing at my desk. I mean, it's just so absurd that I still don't fully believe it's for real. Question: whether you're pro-choice or pro-life, what do cupcakes have to do with it? Oh that's right: fuckin' nothing.

So, according to the people pushing the lifecakes, when someone asks, "Whose birthday is it?," you are supposed to respond: "It's no one's birthday. These cupcakes represent the 50,000,000* children who weren't allowed to be born, who never had a birthday. If you and I were aborted we wouldn't have a birthday party either."

Way to ruin cupcakes, fucktards. In honor of these shitiots, I have come up with a list of other wildly inappropriate messages that can/shouldn't be conveyed via cupcakes.

The Layoff Celebration Cupcake: In honor of all the people who will never get to have promotion cupcakes, because, well, they fucking got fired. Topped with meringue severance checks.

The Guantanamo Bay Celebration Cupcake: In honor of all the maybe/maybe not terrorists who will never enjoy a cupcake, because if they ever had one they would die, since they can now only stomach water(boards), powdered protein and possibly dirt. Topped with sugar Geneva Conventions.

The Marriage Protection Cupcake: In honor of all the gays who will never have cupcakes at their weddings. Topped with disco sticks instead of candles, obvs.

The Gender Equality Cupcake: In honor of all the women who will never make cupcakes for their hubbies, because they are too busy making careers for themselves. Topped with Christina Hendricks.

The Fa Real, Fa Real Murderer Cupcake: In honor of all the people who have actually killed other human beings, are in prison and will thus never again enjoy delicious cupcakes. Topped with marzipan guns.

The Children In Poverty Cupcake: In honor of all the children who eat real cupcakes all the time because their parents can't afford to feed them anything other than McDonald's, Taco Bell and, yes, Entenmann's. Topped with red hots to represent birth control.

Those are just a few ideas. We can keep this going, guys. The possibilities are endless.

*a completely made-up number, y'all