Rumors have been swirling for like a week, but we now know the truth: Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel have broken up. Or, as the celeb mag rags love to delicately put it, they are now "splitsville." Srsly, poor word choice aside, this is one breakup that I can say I am unabashedly thrilled about. Jessica is painfully vanilla, and Justin is, well, my future husband. So of course I'm happy!
Cry me a river, Jessica Vabiella
In true Southern fashion, Justin's gmaw confirmed the rumors by saying the following: "Jessica was keen* to marry, but Justin isn't ready. The girlfriends come and go, but we believe nothing has ever been serious."
You know why, Granny? Because Justin still hasn't met his soulmate. Namely, moi. I mean I can remember laying in my bed when I was 11 or 12 years old and fantasizing (in a completely innocent way, freaks) about having Justin as my boyfriend. And yes, when I was 12, Justin still looked like this. That's how you know I really, truly love him.
A textbook serial monogamist, Justin clearly hasn't listened to any of his girlfriends when they've said, pre-Beyoncé, that they want him to put a ring on it. (And I know he knows what that means, based on the fact that this actually took place.) This is all just further evidence that he's not married because he hasn't met a worthy female companion. Yet. I'm here, Justin. Just waiting for you. I'll be at Southern Hospitality every Monday night for the rest of this season of Gossip Girl. Just sayin'.
*Who says this anymore?!?!11
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